


I Surrender

by Deltasector



Category: Love Simon (2018)
Genre: Also no Alice Spier, But has book reference also, Depression, Gen, Hank( OC ), Heavy Angst, M/M, Original Character(s), Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Suicide, Tags May Change, This is mostly based on the movie, Will Tag More Characters in the Future, sorry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-15
Updated: 2019-05-12
Packaged: 2019-06-10 21:10:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 9,141
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15300090
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Deltasector/pseuds/Deltasector
Summary: What if Simon went beyond breaking point when Blue deactivated his account?What will be the reactions of his loved one's when they learn the complete truth of his story?or...The story of how Simon couldn't handle Blue deactivating his account, His friends abandoning him and his Family not having known the depth of the situation.





	1. I Should have Been There.....

**Author's Note:**

> Firstly i'm inclined to say that i don't own any of these characters!
> 
> Second is that this story is told in different kinds of POV and i will let you know who's is it in here :)  
> if there are alternating POV's i will also highlight it as to not confuse everyone
> 
> Lastly, I am not a writer by profession! i just write random stories from time to time when i get inspired, so my apologies for any mistakes that i make!
> 
> Now onwards to our story!!
> 
>  
> 
> _Emily's POV_

  
  


Emily has been worried about her son recently, more so than normal. Simon has been more closed off ever since his coming out last Christmas. Don’t get her wrong, she loves her husband’s stupid jokes; but sometimes if he’s nervous or anxious, he tends to go overboard. She was a little thankful to Nora because her outburst made her father dismiss what would have been a long nervous rant about his son’s sexuality. Truth be told, she was a little upset at Jack for not handling Simon’s coming out that well. 

But these past couple of days, her son has been dismissing them, and sometimes straight up avoiding them from time to time. And in those times she just really wants to pry her son and ask what’s going on and if he needs any help of some kind. But she’s scared that Simon will interpret it as “work approach”. And in those times, she hates that maybe Simon is right that her therapist side is overshadowing her mother side. But that's purely a wall of some sort so that she can’t get too overwhelmed by whatever truth she might get.

Her husband has also been a little anxious to approach his son, afraid he might say the wrong thing or blurt out an inappropriate joke that could make the situation worse. He told her this one night after he got over his shock at Simon's coming out, and it was comforting to know despite the stress it caused.

And then, there's her youngest, Nora, who told her one night that she is scared that she’s losing her brother even more, and that broke Emily’s heart even further. Nora has also been less excited in the kitchen and started making easy meals or to-go meals in the morning rather than being all mad scientist mode and creating new exciting dishes for their family. 

But what spiked Emily’s worry even more is that she has seen less and less of her son’s closest friends. Neither hide nor hair of Leah, Nick and Abby has been seen at their house and for the past few days, Simon hasn’t come out of his room other than to go to school or get some food to eat. She even noticed that Simon hasn’t asked her to replenish his supply of Oreo’s and her son never misses that, ever.

So today she has decided that she will be facing her son and be an awesome mom to him and become his proverbial knight-in-shining-armor on whatever problem he is currently facing. Also, she hasn’t been in his room lately and she just has to clean it. She loves Simon, very much so. But he tends to leave things unorganized and messy especially in times that he’s going through a rough patch. And considering he hasn’t interacted with anyone in the house for the past 3 days, she’s pretty damn sure its disturbingly messy in there.

Psyching herself up on what she deemed her hardest thing to do yet, she knocked on the door. “ Simon? Sweetheart, can i come in?”. After a few beats of silence, there was no answer so she tried again. “Honey are you in there? Simon?”. Still no answer, at first she thought maybe he went out, but she never saw him go down for breakfast and she’s also pretty sure that his car is still in the driveway. Feeling dread pool in the pits of her stomach she swallowed and breathed heavily before knocking on the door again. “Simon, i’m coming in”.

When she opened the door, she immediately went to Simon’s bed thinking that her son was still asleep, but that was immediately not the case as his bed was missing the person she was looking for. That’s when she noticed the bathroom lights were on and thought that maybe Simon was taking a shower and did not hear her calling him out. So she started cleaning his room, picking up his dirty laundry on the floor and tidying up his bed. When she went to clean his desk, she noticed a couple of what looked like letters on top of his laptop. Coming closer, she confirmed this and noticed that there we’re names in every single one of them.

One was addressed to her and Jack, another for Nora, one for each of his best friend's: Leah, Nick and Abby, and then lastly one with “Blue” written on top of it. It didn’t take a genius to figure out what these letters might be; and it also helped that she has had patients that also did this kind of thing to their own loved ones. This could mean one thing, and right now she’s praying that she is wrong and that it’s just some random letter he decided to make to EVERYONE that he loves in his life.

Scared for what those letters implied she immediately ran and frantically started knocking in Simons bathroom door and opening it, only to find out that it’s locked. Feeling her pulse rise even more she ran into her and her husband’s room and fished out her spare key in case of emergencies (and thank god that she did) and ran back to Simon’s room fumbling with the key to get in because her hands were shaking too much. When she was finally able to open the door what, greeted her was something she knew would give any other bad dream of hers a run for their money, and one that will forever haunt her for the rest of her life. Too shocked to even process and or think rationally, she only did one thing that her brain supplied in that moment. She put both her hands on either cheek and SCREAMED.


	2. I Shouldn't have Missed it....

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jack has been pondering ever since Christmas.. He kept asking when did he start being blind to his family's needs...
> 
>  
> 
> So he decided to finally face Simon and talk to him. Make sure he knows he loves him whoever he chooses to be...
> 
>  
> 
> Question is...
> 
>  
> 
> Will he be able to?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: i dont own any of the characters!!!! (except for maybe the OC ones XD)
> 
> Hello everyone! I'm so sorry im late in updating this chapter!  
> i got held up after last sunday and ive been just super busy to think of any words to continue for a few days. But fear not for i have pushed and finished this chapter.
> 
> i would like to point out that this chapter is in Jack's POV and is happening simultaneously with Emily's so dont get confused now!
> 
>  
> 
> Note:  
> "+words" = Conversation  
> "+words in italic" = Thoughts  
> "+words in bold" = Conscience/ thought within a thought

  
  
  
  


Jack had been pondering for a while now. Although admittingly not his strongest suit, he has been doing a lot of that lately. His wife pointed out his dismissive attitude on Simon’s coming out to him after his initial shock was over. He has a lot to make up for, it seems.

He dropped off Nora to her weekend extra credit class, to which all of them insisted that she stopped doing by the way. But when she mentioned it was about cooking they all let it go. But his pondering always takes him to Simon however, and how he must have hurt his own flesh and blood over the years. _“How long was he hiding it?“_ he asked himself. _“Maybe since the start of the school year?“_ No, he knows better than that. If it was, Simon wouldn’t have been ready right away. But who was he to know? He’s been making all those stupid gay jokes and most of them was in front of Simon.

Maybe Simon thought of him as another traditional parent that despises all forms of homophobia and was scared that he would punch or disown him on the spot. He snorted at his own thoughts. _“Yeah, right. Like that’ll ever happen. I’ll sooner strangle myself than do that.“_ He mused and God-forbid how his wife will react to it, she’ll probably cut off his dick and feed it to him or something, he shuddered at the thought.

But maybe Simon knew for years now and that thought made his heart clench a little tighter. Years of him and Simon alone walking their dog Beiber, playing catch in the backyard, being test subjects to Nora’s cooking, making anniversary presents, Simon teaching him how to use a computer, him teaching Simon to drive -- basically a lot of opportunities of Simon coming out to him but he didn’t. _“Why didn’t he?”_ was the only thought that went to his brain. _**“Maybe because you made yourself look like a homophobic asshole”**_ His brain brutally supplied to him. 

Then he remembered something his wife had mentioned.

  
  


\--- FLASHBACK ---

“Maybe he already was for a long time?, I’ve noticed him being less cheerful and had stopped asking Nora or you to play in the backyard. At the time I thought maybe he was in the ‘I’m too cool to do this anymore’ phase. I didn't want to pry because I was scared that he’ll think I’m invading his space, but maybe... I should’ve? ”.

He looked speechless at his wife, regarding how intelligent she was. She however, took his stunned expression the wrong way, immediately trying to apologize “did I approach that as a therapist rather than a mother again?. Im sorry honey, perhaps i made a mistake”. To which he immediately hugged her and said “ no!, of course not sweety, of course not”.

\--- END OF FLASHBACK ---

  
  


Looking at it now, he shouldn’t have missed it. The way Simon would go quiet when he started to make gay jokes, or the way he would be easily startled even though he should have seen or expected it, or really the fact that Simon had stopped coming to him for advice. He sighed heavily knowing that he messed this up real badly. _“Okay jack, think!, okay so Simon is skittish towards you right now, obviously you need to find something that will be a peace offering of some sort, something to let him know that you’re ok with whoever he chooses to be. A rainbow sweater? No, that might be too offensive. A new phone perhaps? No!, that’s too materialistic and he hasn’t mentioned wanting a new one. DAMN IT JACK THINK!”_ He mentally slapped himself for not thinking anything

Passing by an old friend’s grocery store, he saw something that could be an answer to his dilemma.

“Morning Jack!” said a blonde man in the counter. “Hey Hank!, long time no see.” Looking up and smiling at his old friend. “You got that right, last I saw you, you were carrying an upset 8 year-old Nora, and nowadays i hear she’s quite the cook?”. “Yup!” smiling from ear to ear proud of her little girl “I’m proud of that little mad scientist of mine. Who told you by the way?” he asked from the cookie aisle picking up 4 Oreo boxes. “Your Son, Simon of course. Always comes in here every week to buy at least 2 boxes a week. Haven’t seen him since last year though, your boy ok?”. That got Jack’s heart crying a little more and the guilt that he felt heavier. But he promised he was going to be a better dad. “He’s… going through a rough patch right now. Thats why im picking this up for him”. He lied in the end, scared of what will his friend think of him.

“Ah!, well tell him i miss his little rants about how Oreos are the most important meal of the day and to get better!, those oreos aren’t buying themselves!”. He smiled at Jack and in return, jack forced one out. “Yeah I-I will. Don’t worry Hank, he’ll be back here in no time”. Hank gave him one more bright smile before turning his attention to his next customer.

Arriving home, he mentally prepared himself for what will definitely be an awkward conversation but it was for the better if he ever wants to repair his relationship with Simon.

Going in the backdoor, a scream from the second floor greeted him instead of his wife’s beautiful face. Dropping everything in the counter, he immediately ran towards his wifes distressed screams, fearing for her. But in reality he should have feared for another person. Reaching the second towards Simon’s room he froze on what he found. 

There on the cold tiles of his son’s bathroom, Lie Simon, pale and bleeding, next to him is Emily, screaming for her son to wake up, both her hands clutching to Simon’s wrist where the bleeding is visible.

“Holy Shit!..W-What happened!?”. He said kneeling next to his wife. “I-I *sniff* I don’t know jack!. You have to call 911! cause I can’t right now! I have to keep pressure on his wrist. Because if I don’t he’ll… he’ll”. She didn’t even finish her statement, Jack immediately fetched his phone and dialed 911. The woman on the phone asked the nature of the emergency, to which he screamed “My Son’s dying! I need an ambulance! Please Hurry!”. After the operator mentioned that the paramedics are on their way and to not drop the call in case his condition worsens, he immediately went back to where Emily and Simon is.

“The paramedics are on their way, he’s gonna be fine”. He told Emily to comfort her, but in reality it was meant mostly to himself, his mind screaming _“He has to make it! He has to! He has to!”_ quickly changing into _“I’m so sorry Simon! I’m so sorry i failed you as a dad!, as a parent!. Fight kid! You have to fight!”_

They sat there for a few more minutes, taking turns applying pressure on Simon’s wounds while whispering comfort to each other before hearing sirens coming near at their house. Grabbing his son carefully while emily continued to apply pressure in his wounds. they managed to get him to the front door without causing any further damage where the paramedics were waiting for them. Gently handing him over while the other paramedics questioned his wife. He was asked if they wanted to go in with his son, to which he replied “Maybe my wife, but not me, I have to pick up my little girl at school to tell her the news”.

“I’m sorry sir”. The paramedic replied looking at him with heavy sympathy “We’ll take care of him, we’ve put him on a blood drip while we drive towards the hospital and we’ve bandaged his wrist to stop any further bleeding”. He appreciated the paramedics honesty in the situation. Her wife got on the back with Simon and shot him a looked that said “I’ll keep our baby safe” before the doors closed and the ambulance took off.

While driving to pick up Nora. The only thing that was on repeat on his head was _“I SHOULDN’T HAVE MISSED IT!”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THANK YOU SO MUCH! for all the feed back that I received from everyone on the previous chapter. Makes my heart do flips that you actually enjoyed reading this little story of mine LOL... 
> 
> again I am not a writer by heart so i do apologize if these things take time for me.. but i will try to put as much emotion as i can in this story!
> 
> After this chapter we shall move on with the story since this one is happening almost parallel with chapter one...
> 
> This is unbeta'd btw so i might go back and edit some this in the future but for now enjoy!


	3. I Should have Cared more...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Abby is thinking over everything that has happened since they left Simon on that Street and meanwhile Nick gets told off by someone he didn't expect on how fucked up everything was.

  
  
  


_Abby’s POV..._  
  
Maybe she was a bit too harsh when she said those words to Simon. Looking back, it was a low blow on her part but, in that moment all she thought was hurting Simon back for playing not only her emotions but Nick and Leah’s too. She thought the doing the right thing and to be honest and even when Simon was humiliated on front of the whole school during that cafeteria fiasco a small part of her was happy that it happened.  
  
But now their awesome foursome was missing a leg. And sometimes she finds herself wishing that she should’ve stood up to Simon back then. She should’ve told those homophobic assholes to grow a pair and get lost and now every time that she closes her eyes, she could see the devastated look that was on Simon’s face when they left him in front if Leah’s house.  
  
The embarrassment, anger and hurt that was clear on his face when he and Ethan was made fun of in the cafeteria. And his slouched form every time he passes through the hallway, like he was making himself as small as possible, and the defeated and sad look every time someone called him Gay or Fag.  
  
Guilt and regret are eating away at her conscience and she wants to make things right because she knows that she’s not the only one who feels the loss in the group. It felt like someone cut off a leg or an arm and you can’t even function normally anymore. But she knows she had to wait for Nick and Leah before doing something about it. She needs to know that those two are on board even though that she just might do it herself even if they don’t really approve of it.

 

_Nick’s POV..._  
  
Up until now he still can’t understand how Simon could do that to not only him and Abby, but to Leah of all people. I mean he told Simon everything. From the smallest of things like his insecurities about his skills on the football field up to his personal problems and home and in his life. So, he really had a hard time grasping the fact that Simon lied about Abby to him when he told him how much he liked Abby or just really just lied to him at all. And it felt like a punch in the gut to him, to be lied by someone he trusted with everything.  
  
He didn’t feel anything when Simon was begging for them to understand back in front Leah’s house and he didn’t feel anything when they left him in the street looking so lost. Logically he knows he should be supporting Simon after the whole cafeteria fiasco that happened, but there was so much anger boiling inside him right now that every time he remembers what Simon did he just wants to punch him. So he started to intentionally avoid him, ignored all his text messages and never answered his calls because he knows that if he did he’ll scream and or punch the guy.  
  
He was walking towards the field to their soccer practice when Garrett grabbed him by the shoulders and turned him around. “What the hell is wrong with you Eisner?, I thought Simon’s your bestfriend and yet you let that whole cafeteria thing happen?, What kind of bestfriend are you?.” When Garrett told him that he just saw red and pushed him to the ground. “What kind of bestfriend am I?, Funny, you should go and ask that to Spier before you go and be all judgmental about it. He lied to all of us so just he could save his own skin!.”  
  
Garrett got up and attempted to gladly return the favor to Nick but Bram held him back before he can even get close. “Of course I know what happened you dick!”. Nick looked at him and raised an eyebrow and attempted to speak but Garrett beat him to it. “I overheard all four of you that day in front of Leah’s house ok?. When Simon was trying to explain himself to you, in which you never really let him or even tried to understand him. And have even read the emails?. Whomever was this Blue kid, he obviously cared about.” Nick was about to make a statement but Garrett beat him to it. “Did you ever stop and think of what Simon might have gone through while he was keeping his secret?. And to top it all off he got blackmailed for it too!. Did you even think of how he felt while he was subjected to that?, how scared he must have been when he thought that anytime!.. Anytime! He’s secret could have been revealed?. How terrified he must have felt that if everyone found out about it he might lose everything?. Like what is happening to him right now?.”  
  
Garrett was on a roll and panting while trying to defend Simon from him. Hah! How funny is that, that someone else is defending his own bestfriend from him of all people. That made an unpleasant feeling in his stomach but he chose to ignore it. “How hard was it to tell me he was gay?. I mean I don’t even show an ounce of Homophobe in me to even warrant that.” He spit back that made Garrett snort.  
  
“Oh come the fuck on Eisner, you can’t be that stupid?. We live in a town where anything other than normal is considered to be something looked down upon. Take Ethan for example, when he came out a few years ago, every day after that he was subjected to being called a numerous kinds of degrading things from fag to fairy and one time a minister even approached him and said that if he doesn’t change what he is, he’s going to hell very very soon. How fucked up is that? Just because your different from everyone else, it becomes a neon sign that you have to be made fun of.”  
  
Nick had to swallow after that one. He knows he’s guilty of that once upon a time. Thinking that someone different can’t fit within society and should conform to it. But he’s changed, he has more knowledge about those stuff now and he knows he would never have done what to Simon. He was about to voice that out but Garrett wasn’t finished.  
  
“And Simon saw that every time. He saw what other people we’re doing to Ethan every day and you didn’t think that maybe he was scared shitless that that’ll happen to him to? That it’s actually happening to him now? And I’m not that close with Simon’s dad but I do know that he used to be a high school quarterback.” This time Nick actually cut in. “Yeah your right you don’t know him because I do. Mr. Spier is nothing like that. From what I can tell he’s a very loving father and a devoted husband to his wife and family.” He said. “Duh idiot I know that” Garrett said. “but did you think that made any difference to Simon?. Remember that Simon is the only guy in his family and that puts a certain pressure because of bloodlines and all that crap even if the Spier's don’t care about it.”  
  
“And Simon is not a selfish person. Did you really think that he told his entire family and not tell you? Give me a break. And from what I could tell his only outlet for his secret was this kid named Blue because they had something in common. They shared the same secrets and became each other’s support. Hell maybe Spier even loved him because he was willing to risk his life getting screwed up just to keep their secret. Ever thought about Eisner?. You got so fixated on winning Abby and finally getting her that you ignored how painful it was for Simon to do those things. Well you got your wish, you got the girl of your dreams and your bestfriend is living a nightmare every goddamn day of his life because he was trying to be a decent person.”  
  
Nick had to swallow a lump that formed in his throat after what Garrett said. But he had to say something back doesn’t he? And why did Garrett even care in the first place. “Why do you even care so much Garrett? Are you Blue is that it? Is this your protective talk huh?” He snapped back.  
  
Garrett just looked at him and laugh with sadness and pity in his eyes. “Right now Eisner? I really really wish I was. And maybe then Simon wouldn’t be going through this hell all on his own. I’m just hoping that you’ll take that ego and pride of yours someplace else before you lose Simon for good.” And with that Garrett brushed pass him with a stunned yet disappointed looking Bram following, and soon after that everyone that has gathered to witness there yelling match left as well.  
  
Not that it was a yelling match rather than Garrett being disappointed in him and telling him to get his shit together. He just stood there frozen and letting every word that Garrett said to him sink in. especially his parting words “…I hope that you’ll take that pride and ego yours someplace else before you lose Simon for good…”. Realizing that maybe they made a very, very, very grave mistake he ran as fast as he can looking for the two people the could maybe help him make everything right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *hides behind reinforced door*
> 
> Sooooo... i may have said that i will update regularly and then didn't and WAIT... WAIT WAIT!!!! BEFORE YOU START SHOOTING let me explain...
> 
> so i may or may have lost the will to continue with this after a grueling week with work about 2 months ago BUT! my bestfriend did remind me of that fact. (she may or may not have smacked me in the head multiple times..... with a pillow.... and my notebook..... and my pen.... and threw her dog at me)
> 
> so after the long wait here is Chapter 3.. i cannot promise how long chapter 4 will take but i am going to continue this.. and that i swear!


	4. Am I too late?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leah has been contemplating a lot lately and reached a decision to do something about the stuff that has been occupying her thoughts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Im BACK!... ok and before anyone reacts.... i know this one cant compare to the previous ones that i have posted but i just hope that it gives the story a little more depth. Anyway enjoy or not lol either way i appreciate that you took the time to read this :)
> 
> WARNING!: for swearing and maybe for slight OOC to the characters? >.< and alternating POV's near the end
> 
>  
> 
> at and also I DONT OWN ANY OF THE CHARACTERS EXCEPT THE OC ONES!

  
  
  


_Leah’s POV_

 

Another average day, or that is according to Leah when she woke up. “Well at least you had a good almost 5 hours of sleep to day”. She said as she slowly stretched her body. To be honest she hasn’t been sleeping that well lately and its not because of pressures of high school or family. Its because of her goddamn bestfriend Simon Spier.

For the past few days she has been in conflict with herself every time she was alone. At first it would be Simon’s face and the way it looked when they left him in the curb of her house after she, Abby and Nick confronted him after the holidays. It was haunting to see him literally try to keep himself together while each of them hashed him out one by one. Disappointment after disappointment and at that time it felt validated for her to say those things to him. But looking at it now? She might have gone a little bit too far. I mean even she has secrets that she keeps from those three and will continue to do so.

She was oozing with relief, anger, sadness and other stupid emotions, well more on sadness when she told, well screamed to Simon that she liked him after that horrendous date with Nick. Then its where her anger will take over her emotions because she keeps asking why? Like why would Simon do all those things? They’ve been bestfriends for 13 years and well secretly pining for him for maybe about 4 or 5 but we wont talk about that stuff. Still a touchy subject. But it does make her angry nevertheless because for all she knows she’s been nothing but open to Simon. Saying that anytime her ears are there for her to listen and her arms are there if he needs a hug. Then her emotions would go to betrayal because Simon came out to Abby and not her? Like what’s up with that? Abby has been with them only for a couple of months maybe turning a year next semester but still, she has been there for 13 years goddamnit.

Then her emotions would go to jealousy. Jealous about Nick and Abby, well mostly Abby because, well Simon came out to her. What makes her so special? That both the boys in their group have some connection to her. She got Nick in the end and well Nick isn’t really that good at hiding that he has been pining for Abby, he’s too obvious. And jealous about this mysterious boy Blue. Like who is he that Simon has to protect him and got ruined in return? At first she thought that maybe it was a prank to Simon to get him to come out and blackmail him and ruin his life, but after she read some of the emails those two have been sending, she has to admit that some of them were cute and some were even intimate details about Simon’s life. And knowing Simon he must have really trusted this boy because he doesn’t share those details to just anyone.

Then her emotions would lead to Guilt. Because of how Simon’s life must be. She has been the subject of Simons rants from time to time when they facetimed and there are times that Simon will just go on and on about how annoying his dad about teasing him of getting a girlfriend and that he gets on his nerves about him pushing some of the daughters of his High School buddies on him. In hind sight she should’ve been skeptical about why Simon would be irritated about that fact. Some guys would have been all over that coz you know hormonal teenagers and all. But Simon was irritated, almost every time and that would have been a giant fucking clue to her that maybe Simon doesn’t like girls? And she really hates that she didn’t see it sooner.

And finally it would lead to Sadness. Sad about the fact that she’s slowly losing one of her bestfriends. Sad that she’s stuck third wheeling for her two other bestfriends. Well most of the time she doesn’t mind but she thinks its better if Simon was there so she could have a partner of her own platonically of course but if Simon wants to be clingy then she’ll take whatever she can get. Sad for Simon especially after that whole Cafeteria fiasco. How Simon looked so small after Ms. Albright sent those two hooligans with their tails behind there asses. Her sadness sometimes would lead to devastation when she remembers Simon asking Cal Price if he was Blue. The hope in his eyes when he popped the question and devastation right after when Cal denied that he was Blue. The anxiety when he stuttered an apology and left abruptly. She was hiding in a corner when this happened by the way.

And another one was because what she over heard yesterday when she was grocery shopping.

She was getting munchies yesterday and there wasn’t any more cookies or chips in the house, so she decided to buy some at the local grocery. She was looking at Oreos when she over heard a couple of girls from her school saying Simon’s name. “..Girl I feel bad for Simon you know?” “I know right? God imagine having your secret spilled out on the internet.. holy shit I would die if that happened to me… I mean literally being outed when your not ready? Especially at our school? There are lots of homophobic assholes there… I mean look at Ethan… Sister has been dealing with them for years.” “I know right? But Simon has bestfriends right? I mean those people he hangs out with? Leah Burke, Abby Suso and Nick Eisner right? I sometimes see Garrett and Bram with them too. I really hope they’re supporting him right now. Lord knows he needs it more than ever.” “Im pretty sure he’s in good hands… I mean Garretts the nicest jock there ever was” and they we’re giggling and Leah thinks they have a crush on Garrett. “I know!... and Nicks not that bad himself but if my eyes doesn’t deceive me he’s with Abby now?” “oh totally! I saw them holding hands yesterday. But actually I’ve noticed that Simons not with them this past couple of days? I mean maybe he’s getting away from all the bullshit in school?” “Huh maybe.. well lets just hope he’s doing fine… I mean if Simon wasn’t actually gay he’d be really cute…” and they start giggling again and slowly fading.

Leah just stood there for a couple seconds taking in what she heard and well lets just say that the groceries we’re useless when she bought them home.

She sighed heavily when she finished her mini life crisis. Looked at the time. It was still early and gives her enough time to get ready and meet Abby for coffee before they head out for the soccer field to watch and support Nick on his practice. Seriously those two are whipped. Shaking herself from her thoughts she got up and got ready because there’s no one picking her up today.  
When she reached the Coffee shop, she immediately ordered their usual almost buying 4 coffees instead of 3 and of course added milk for Abby. When she was done. Abby didn’t arrive yet and so she picked a spot at the corner and opened her latest E-book that she has been reading. A few minutes later some girls from school took a set two tables from her and she noticed they were from the same school also but if she’s right they we’re the cheerleading team? She’s not sure. What got her attention though was hearing her name. “…so have you heard that apparently Burke, Suso and Eisner ditched Spier?” and the group started laughing. One of those irritating high pitched laughs. “I mean who wouldn’t? I know I would. Who would have thought Spier’s a fag?” and Leah had to hold tight at the end of the table to stop herself from taring those stupid girls anew. “you know what? I bet he made all of those letters up and emailed himself because he’s a sore ass loser as well” “Oh my GOD! He probably did! Typical gays trying to get attention to themselves”.

That was the last straw she was about to stand up and give them a piece of her mind but before she could even think about the words she was going to say another voice boomed. “You know What? You bitches are the fucking reason our country is getting dumber and dumber everyday!” She looked at the table and found nonother than Abby Suso visibly fuming. “What’s got your panties in a twist Suso? Thought your gang left the Spier building? Huh guess I was wrong then, Losers will always flock together anyway” and they started laughing and a sudden dark expression went over Abby’s face. “Yeah well we losers have more basic human decency than all of your brains combined. wait, no scratch that I have more common sense and any of you can even begin to comprehend. All that’s going on in that peanut sized brain of yours are dicks, make-up and thinking you have more privilege than other people. Why don’t all of you stop putting all the process of your body from making your boobs look bigger or making your asses tighter and actually put it to good use, now scram before I show you what my previous school did to high class privileged bitches like you” 

And holy shit that was savage. Abby looks ready to kill someone and out of the corner of her eyes she sees an old couple nod in approval to Abby’s words. And honestly? She couldn’t agree more. The gang stood up and huffed “whatever loser coffees not good here anyway. Girls let’s go, hope you have fun in hell Suso”. And Abby just stood her ground a look smug as hell “Yeah well at least im having fun” and the door hit one of the girls on their way out prompting Leah to laugh and Abby to look at her and join in.

“Well that was horrible” “yeah well they can fall in a ditch for all I care” and they both giggled again. After a beat of silence both girls looked at each other and just understood the others thoughts without either of them voicing it out. “we really fucked up huh?” and that caused guilt to flash on both of their faces. “yeah, we really have lot of things to think about” and Leah sighed heavily before sagging back to her seat “yeah I know, but we have go to Nick before even planning anything Simon related, he’ll flip out if he’s not in it” “yeah we’ll let’s not keep him waiting shall we?” They both got up from their table and stated to go outside only to be stopped by confused and sad looking Nick in the doorway.

Abby immediately reached over to her boyfriend. “baby? What happened? Why are you here? I thought you had soccer practice?”. Nick looked at her and then to Leah before answering “yeah I have but I need to talk you guys, I thinks its really important that we did”. Both girls looked at each other and sudden realization hit. “this is about Simon huh?”. And Nick just stared at girlfriend and his bestfriend like a fish out of water “wait how did you know?”. Both girls looked solemn for a beat and then Leah continued. “we’ll lets just say that Abby was about to murder a group of cheerleaders” and then Nick looked properly horrified at that. “What?!” “babe calm down, it was just a couple of irrelevant pieces of trash but they were talking about Simon and degrading him and well I might be mad at Simon but that doesn’t mean im just gonna let them get away with it” and Leah laughed “you should have been there doofus Abby looked like a hellhound ready to tear them apart”. Nick laughed awkwardly before speaking up. “yeah? well guys should have been there when I reached the soccer field, Garrett tore me a new one and honestly made me realize a lot of things and took things into perspective and well lets just say I feel so shitty right now that I might just kiss Simon if he even just says hi to me”

“Woah there cowboy, thought you was straight as an arrow?” Leah pipped In and smirked “I am! I am.. I -just well everything Garrett said just hit home and I really feel like a shitty bestfriend right now”. All them looked at each other before determined faces appeared an all of them. “well why don’t we finish our coffee’s first before planning stuff to say to Simon while we drive towards his house?” “Sounds like a plan”. But before any of them could go inside the Coffee shop the sound of Ambulance caught their attention and even more the familiar car following right after it and they looked at each other before their hearts squeezed very painfully and praying that what the three of them right now are thinking is wrong they’re just over reacting.


	5. Where do I find the Strength?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This isnt what Nora expected her supposedly fun baking weekend with her classmates to go......

  
  


This isn’t how Nora imagined her weekend would turn out. She woke up that day bright and early prepared her notes and baking attire to attend her weekend baking class with Ms. Sophia. They were in a middle of a discussion about how baking cupcake at the right temperature was they key for it to be fluffy when she got a call from her dad saying that there was an emergency and he’s coming to pick her up from school.

She looked puzzled at this at first and asked what was wrong. His dad took longer than necessary to reply but when she read the message she immediately packed her things and explained to Ms. Sophia why she has to leave the class. 

_“… something happened, your mother is on an ambulance with Simon heading to the hospital and I’m 5 minutes away from your school. Please… hurry…”_

And now here she was sitting in a stiff bench while her parents are beside her huddled up together. The Smell of sterility and death in the air making everything seem surreal, like a scene from a goddamn tragic movie. _“It might as well be…”_ she thought miserably.

The Sound of busy people going about in the hallways. Nurses roaming the hallways and checking in on their patients, while others have silent chatters in the nurse’s station about how each of their patients are, exchanging necessary information incase of emergency situations and the like, while also exchanging the latest gossip around the ward. Doctors going about room to room inspecting their designated patients, giving out necessary orders to nurses that follow them and talking to loved ones about the diagnosis of the current patient that are under their watchful care.

And the Feeling of uncertainty, guilt, dread and overwhelming sadness while looking at two impossibly imposing doors. Looking desperately and at the same time angrily at the Red Light just above it like it’s simultaneously the reason why she is in this predicament and also the answer to the heavy feeling and worry that’s worming its way into her heart and mind.

Looking at her parents beside her. Her dad near inconsolable with constant tears in his eyes while exchanging encouraging murmurs to her mother. Her mother giving comforting glances between the both of them, giving a comforting smile and trying to hold everyone together. But she knows that inside her mom is breaking at the seams. While her dad might not see it, she keeps glancing back to the doors her eyes giving away her true emotions for just a moment and then steeling again when looking back at them.

And that’s why she was forever in awe of her mother’s inner strength. At how the in worst of times, she would be their wall to lean upon, a shoulder to cry on. How even if she is breaking on the inside, she holds on to hope, for her own sake and for her family. And Nora prays that one day she could possess that kind of strength herself. That whatever catastrophe would befall upon them, she could be just like her mother, a beacon of hope in such dark times.

She was too focused on her inner turmoil than the next time she looked up to her mother. Emily is looking at her with tired, sad eyes but behind that was fiery determination so strong that she choked on air and the walls that she messily built when she heard of the news of what happened to Simon did not just crumble, but outright destroyed and she flung herself to her mother. Sobbing so hard that giant rivulets of tears flowed from her innocent face.

She felt someone hug her and she looked and found her dad. That’s where she looked at her mom with such devastation and asked “ Why mom?. Why did Simon do those things? “. Her mom exchanged looks with her dad and replied “We don’t know honey. We wish we could tell you why Simon did it. But we can’t.” was her sad reply and that just fueled more of Nora’s tears.

She let go of her mom and turned to her dad hid under his embrace and said “But. He’s going to be okay right?.” She said looking at her dad. Jack was hugging her tightly in reply and lifted her chin for her to focus in him. “Of course he is baby girl. You know how strong your Big brother is right?.” She hid her face again in the crook her dads neck and sobbed before saying “Yeah, I know.. I just…I don’t want to lose him a second time dad.”

While Nora wept in her dad's neck, her words struck Emily and the tears that she had been holding inside finally flowed and she tugged her family close. “No Nora, you will not lose your Big brother. We’ll make sure that he makes it through all of this okay?”. And Nora nodded minutely her dad stroking her hair while she quietly wept.

 

_…Across town in front if the Spier residence…_

  


Nick, Abby and Leah all stood in the front porch of Simons house ringing the door bell and waiting with bated breath that any of the Spiers would answer the door. After a few moments and no one answered they looked at each worriedly but still trying to hope that what they saw and what they all are thinking is not true.

Leah rang the door bell again and Nick started pounding on the door. A neighbor of the Spiers poked His head out of their Lawn and called out to them. “No one’s there right now kids.” All three of them exchanged glances before Abby spoke out “Where did they all go?.” The neighbor looked sad when he replied “Earlier this morning the paramedics rushed into their house. We don’t know what really happened but we saw the paramedics rush Simon out of the house Emily right behind them and Jack following by car after the Ambulance left.”

Abby let out a sob and hid in the crook of Nicks neck while Leah just stood stunned for a few moments before clearing her throat to ask what hospital where they taken to. The neighbor replied sadly and told them to drive safely given how shocked all three of them where at the news that they prayed weren’t true.

As Nick drove of to the Hospital where Simon was currently in. He was praying and carefully looking at the rear view mirror to check on the girls. Abby was crying in Leah’s shoulders, while she just looked forward her eyes empty. Then she was looking into Nicks eyes holding the same thought and tears started to flow. And as much as Nick wanted to just floor the gas and get to the hospital as fast as he can. He knows that its too dangerous. So they drove to the Hospital, all the while knowing that they failed Simon. Hoping, Praying that who ever is up there in the heavens right now, that if there is a God up there. That he doesn’t take Simon. Because they have a lot to make up for, and they’re just praying that they get the second chance to do so.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAAAAAAY.... this took longer that what I originally expected.. and im sorry for that. I know I know my excuse was weak in the comments. but i was really really busy and i started writing this chapter January... then just halted it when i met an unexpected writers block... them muse is not working for me at the time but Voila here is another chapter!.... I hope you guys enjoy this one... I tried to portray a very Spier-esk reaction when one of them was in a surgery... i hope i did Nora's chapter justice here in her reactions + also the parents... anyway enough about me blabbing... Please enjoy (or not coz im writing angst muahahha) Comments are heavily appreciated and please point out my grammatical errors and mistakes so that i could correct them ^^


	6. Not a new chapter but an update.....

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Im stuck *drops head on the table and sighs heavily*

HEY GUYS!.... i know i know... some of you were expecting an update and im sorry but ive been stuck for 3 days now.... let me rant a little then ill try getting back to it...

 

Sooooo next chapter... i have it all summarized in my brain like what certain things need to happen and what surprises im.going to.throw at everyone *insert evil laugh* BUT! The words necessary for dialogs and certain scenes evade me... i mean i could write a sub par line and or a stereotopical one liner but that just feels lazy and very unaccomplished for me.. so im biding my time. Waiting for the right words to pop out... its very critical because were almost at the high point of the story which is obviously those ominous letters but i have 2 or 3 more chapters to write for them to properly inserted to have that certain je ne sais quoi effect.... 

 

Again im sorry for the not chapter but stay tuned it will be coming :)


	7. I Want To Know... Help Me Fix This

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Garrett is angry and sad. He just wants to know why? Why would they do that to Simon?
> 
>  
> 
> Will he find the answers that he seeks or will some answers shock him to his core?
> 
>  
> 
> Disclaimer : I dont own any of the characters in the story (Except the ones tagged as OC)

_Garrett’s POV_

 

Garrett was fuming when he and Bram arrived at his house. He feels like he just wants to punch the living day lights out of Nick. And he tried, oh he tried back in the field when he was just leaving. But Bram stopped him every time he attempted to do so is saying its not worth it right now.

_“I’m so pissed right now!”_ He throws his bag across the room and proceeds to fall back onto his bed. Bram flinching a little bit when it hits a plastic figurine where it landed. _“I can’t believe him! They’re just freaking ignoring Simon! That’s just a load of crap!”_ He shouts to his ceiling feeling angrier by the second.  
  
_“Hey man, calm down. You’re getting too worked up over this”_ says Bram quietly, trying to calm him down. _“No Bram! I can’t because it’s just so unfair!”_ he shouts whilst simultaneously grabbing a pillow and flinging it across the room.

_“It’s so unfair that Simon’s not the one they’re comforting right now, instead their comforting each other. He’s the one who’s life is ruined, not theirs. In fact I think their lives right now is next to amazing, what with Nick finally together with Abby”_ he was starting to grab another pillow when Bram interjected. _“I know, I know but Simon did lie to them about their relationship not to mention his sexuality, I can see some sort of validation regarding their behaviors towards him right now.”_

And he shot up so fast and looking at Bram, shocked that he would even say that given how just a few weeks ago when they where talking about something regarding football that Simon made a comment regarding about it that had no relation whatsoever and then decided to ask him about it. He blushed saying that he was just trying to relate and then and there Bram just chuckled and said that they’d have to protect their Smol bean of a friend from anyone. And now he was siding with them! Disappointment and disbelief appeared on his face before anger rolled in in waves.

_“No you don’t understand Bram! Simon’s their bestfriend for freaking years! And I know that doesn’t apply to Abby but it might as well should, They we’re together in what felt like forever, they went through almost everything together, Ups, Downs, everything, But even I can understand why Simon didn’t want them to know about his sexuality!”_ Bram was about to say something when Garrett cuts him off _“He was scared Bram! Scared of the what ifs regarding them finding out about it or him telling them, scared of what his family is going to react if they ever found out”_

And at that Bram raised his hand in surrender. _“Okay, okay I get it alright? He was our friend to and I know how protective you are in regards to that but-”_ Bram was trying to explain when he cut him off again.

_“No Bram! You really don’t get it”_ Bram looks taken aback by this but proceeded to just raise and eyebrow at him urging him to continue. _“put yourself in his shoes right now, Imagine having nightmares day in and day out about how everyone would react if they knew, of him being shunned out by everyone else just because he was different, of being abandoned by his friends because of what he is, or that how will his family react if they knew because of the reality that we live in a very closed minded town, heck in a closed minder city! where majority of the people do not approve of other types of gender other than just being straight, Then imagine all of that happening to you unexpectedly and living your life in that hell! Imagine every worst case scenario he ever thought about happening to him right now because of something he had no control over when in fact he should have had that control, He should have had that choice of when he was going tell everyone else about who he really is, but that was taken away from him by some douchebag who thinks it was funny to play with other people’s secrets! I’m even surprised that he still goes back to school at this point”_ He was getting teary eyed at this point but he powered through _“But I do refuse to believe that his parents will react that way, I wont because of how doting and loving his sister is, Heck his mom is even a psychiatrist, Maybe his dad will be shocked at first but I believe that he’ll eventually understand but-”_

Tears finally flowed down his face and Bram looked at him worriedly. He eventually decided to sit beside him and slung his arms around his shoulders as a sign of support _“but you didn’t see him yesterday morning when I tried to approach him when he arrived at school, He flinched at me! He flinched and held his arms up expecting me to punch him or something, I just stood there shocked and when he realized I wasn’t doing anything he made up a lame excuse about being late for class and ran away”_ He looked up at Bram with tears flowing in his eyes begging him to understand _“He was scared of me Bram, Me! Me who makes fun of himself because I just want everyone to laugh and have a good time, Me who can’t even make eloquent sentences or pretends to be this big huge guy but likes soft things, He was scared of me Bram! And I just felt so useless right then and there, I felt utterly devastated that one of my friends lives is crumbling down and I can’t do anything about it!”_

Tears was also started to flow down Bram’s face at this point. _“I want to fix this Bram, even if I’m not supposed to be involved in all of this I want to fix it, I want him to know that I’m still his friend, that I’m still that same old Garrett that he could trust, that I’m not ashamed of him in anyway and that I’m so fucking proud of how strong he is even in his current situation, and I tried!, yesterday I tried, I tried to talk to him privately but every time I tried he would avoid me, heck he was avoiding everyone!”_  
He was full on crying now. Leaning and sobbing on Bram’s shoulder as he let out his frustrations to him. He wanted to reach out to Simon but then he remembered the emails and remembered that there was also this Blue person he was talking too and suddenly he was angry again.

_“I wanna know who this Blue kid is Bram, I want to know who he is and why he hasn’t come out yet, I hate him Bram, even if I don’t know him I really hate him”_ he said with such conviction and laced with so much anger in his voice. Bram was suddenly stiff and when he looked up he saw his bestfriend had that lost empty look in his face for a moment before he looked at him seriously _“You can’t Garrett, you can’t hate him”_ he looked so shocked by what came out of his best friend’s mouth that he immediately stood up and looked down at him seething with anger.

_“And why not huh Bram? Tell me one good reason for me to not absolutely hate this guy with every fiber of my being!”_ Bram also stood up and looked at him like he was trying to make him understand something he doesn’t know _“B-because that i-I think that he’s scared too”_ Bram said with a hint of pleading in his voice and Garrett was so confused by that. Because why would Bram side with a random guy rather than his own friend?

_“Oh come on Bram! You think I don’t know that? But that doesn’t excuse the fact that he still hasn’t tried to reach out in someway! I heard from Cal Price that Simon asked him if he was Blue, so that means that this guy whoever the fuck he is hasn’t tried to reach out to Simon in anyway!”_ Bram was looking so torn at the moment that Garrett grew even more confused. _“You know what? I bet this guy was lying to Simon all those times”_ with that statement Bram looked at him suddenly and asked _“what? Why would you say that?”_

_“Look at the situation Bram, Simon was just outed by some anonymous person in the internet and even posted their private emails, Isn’t that a little suspicious to you? And I’m betting its this Blue guy, Im guessing this is what he does too, make closeted people fall in love with him and then share all their conversations online to ruin their reputation and their lives, I bet all those love he sent Simon where just empty lies to make him fall for it”_

Bram just suddenly looks frantic and breathing harshly _“N-no I-I.. I t-think he does”_ and again Garrett looks at his friends disbelievingly _“Oh come ooon Bram. It was obviously fake! He was blatantly lying”_ Bram looks pleadingly at him saying _“No y-you dont understand!”_ Garrett was angrier now confused as to why his own bestfriend is siding with a random person _“What Bram!? What do I don’t understand because as far as I ca-”_

_“IT’S BECAUSE I LOVE HIM TOO!!”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another update and stay tuned for more soon as I am happy to announce that im currently free from very busy work and have time to just sit and work on this for a while :)
> 
> Anyway we are finally getting there a few more chapters before we get to those letters :) I hope you enjoy (Or hate depending on how it made you feel lol) this chapter as always i am inclined to say that i am not a writer by profession, i write for fun or because i need something to express. so point out any spelling mistakes or errors i may have over looked and Thank you for your continued support on this story :)  
> as always any comments and critics regarding this is open to be discussed below :D
> 
> see you in the next chapter hopefully very very soon!!!


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